A Broken Heart That Found Its Way

Photo by - Lynsey Jackson Photography - Glasgow, U.K. (Scotland)

Every person experiences many situations in life individually on their own. Whether these specific situations are tragic or not, loyal people will typically sit around every day instantly thinking about how they are going to overcome the situation. Many emotions run through a person all at once and they do not know how to manage them. A person is frustrated and scared, and they do not quite comprehend why these terrible situations keep happening to them. They do not know how they are going to move on past it, all a person knows is it will take some time. The key to gaining a more thorough understanding of every situation life throws your way. That is possessing the faith that you will make it through. Four years ago I was this person and if I had known then where I would be today. I probably would not have caused myself to suffer from the situation I was experiencing as much as I did. I would have upheld my faith and altogether rely on God a little bit more. This is how my story began.

When he approached me that night to let me know he was serious about being done. I thought my world was ending because I had invested all this time with him. He did not deliver a sensible explanation of why he was breaking up with me. All he did was cause me to think I was foolish, and everything was my fault. When in truth, he was the one that allowed things to happen between us. He was the one that allowed his family to treat me the way that they did. He was the one being unfaithful behind my back. All I recognized in my heart was I loved him within the 5 years of our relationship and performed everything I believed was right for us. I thought we were going to be married and thought this was the reason why we bought the house. I put him before everything including God and my family. I knew I was good to him and tried to be perfect for him. I tried being everything he required me to be in his eyes when all it succeeded was to undermine me in the end. A lot went on behind closed doors that will never be brought up or at least he won’t admit on his part. I was never perfect but I tried being. I tried setting an example of how it feels to be taken care of and loved by another person. I did what was right in my own mind for our relationship and him. I stopped my whole life just for someone who did not love me in the same way that I did him. The only person I have to blame is myself for allowing it, but he should have treated me with respect. He should have taken care of my mind and soul better. He should have appreciated everything I did for him. I fought for him and our relationship to work in the end. He did nothing but stood back to watch me suffer. As he moved on to be with someone else. I was left behind having to recover from the broken pieces that he left me.

I never knew what mental abuse felt like until I experienced it. It was the type that you are blinded from during the relationship and it affects you hard when it is over. I developed major anxiety towards people and other situations that came into my life during those times. I could not believe I enabled someone to manipulate and use me as badly as he did. I began experiencing all the stages of grieving over a person who is still living. Please, do not call anyone crazy while they are undergoing these stages of a break-up. Typically, when you have no clue what all went on to bring them to this place in life. Do not require someone to move on from it because it is not as easy as you think. He took everything I was and everything I believed in. Those of you who will read this will think, “It was just a break-up.” It was worse than just a break-up, it was a situation that had brought me to the lowest point in my life. I knew deep down this was not who I was but it made me forget about the hurt. I turned to alcohol and started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I was depressed, sad, bitter, and didn't care all the time. I put on a good show for everyone, though, because deep down I was dying inside. I gave up on everything and felt unworthy. I stopped believing in myself and completely had forgotten who I was. He made me feel this way about myself. 

In 2016, my friend Lauren and I sat down for dinner one evening. I explained to her that I wanted all of us girls to take a trip to the United Kingdom and Ireland. Most importantly, I wanted to include Scotland on this trip. I told her I had to get away because I was smothering, even if it was just a brief trip. The person I had become was not who I was, and I needed to find me again. I was miserable with my life and with everything that had happened. I was displeased with all the unacceptable choices I was issuing to make. She likewise had been thinking about taking the same trip. Seldom did I know the trip was going to transform my life forever, it was going to aid me to rediscover who I was once more. I knew in my heart it was intended for me to go, this was God's way of telling me it was time. It was time to follow my heart for once and spread my wings. I knew deep down that when I got back home. The reality of how my life was before I left would still be there waiting for me to get back.

Do you believe God gives you people, places, or things to encourage you through a situation that he at present knows you will endure in the future? I believe he does and believes he brought the book series Outlander into my life two years before the break-up for a reason. If it was not for a lady, I work with in the same building. I would have never been introduced to Outlander. God knew I would need something to restore my soul back to life. He knew I would desire something to help me recall those dreams, he placed into my heart a long time ago. I held on to those books and the TV show. It was when I had first discovered and fell in love with Scotland. God knew how much I loved books, writing, movies, music, travel, art, and photography. Things I had neglected that were me during that relationship. I devoted more time concentrating on him and what he wanted. I put my whole life on hold. I overlooked what it was I desired and about those dreams in my heart. 

The dream trip to Europe for the first time transformed my life for the better. It launched me into an increased level of maturity. It helped me gain the confidence I needed to move forward with my life. I gained more respect for our world and those we share it with. I still could not believe I delivered this opportunity for myself. I sat down one night and told myself if I did not go after my dreams then I would never be happy. That is when I started back to college at the age of 29, to major in Mass Communications. Everything about this industry I love because it allows you to showcase your most authentic self out into the world. I remain a writer at heart. I have accepted this unique way of communicating with words. I speak and write with my heart. I have been assured on numerous occasions that I merely have this way of speaking directly to a person's heart. I have a way of making them critically think about certain situations going on in their life. It all comes naturally to me, and I realized maybe this was the gift that God has given me. This gift is what he requires me to assist other people to be courageous, strong, and share their stories. My gifts will bring back the light, hope, love, faith, and imagination that people need.

The connection I have to Scotland is an emotional one. It has played a tremendous part in my healing process to mending my broken heart. Which is the main reason why I went back to Scotland this year with an amazing group of people. In June, I was sitting at lunch listening to the Outlander soundtrack for season 4 and I came across the song titled “Fraser’s Ridge.” This song represents Jamie and Claire finally settling down together and establishing their homestead in America. The song represents hope and faith. Jamie and Claire both endured brutal hardships of growing into their own person and while they were separated for 20 years. They did not give up on the hope and love they had for one another, even while apart. As I was sitting there listening to this song. I got the chills and started to fill up with emotion. I got to thinking about the hardships I faced for almost 4 years at that time. While I follow and observed these hardships that Jamie and Claire both endured. I was experiencing my own hardships at the same time. That song was reminding me of how far I have come. Life really had challenged me and directed me with hard lessons. Life really had hit me hard, and I thought I would never see the light. Scotland is where my mind ran to when my days to weeks were terrible. At that place, God was revealing to me why he placed something so simple into my life. He knew a pleasant place he created would transfer me back to who I have always been before. As silly as this sounds to people but this is going back to what I stated. God does deliver people, places, and things into your life. To encourage you to heal and grow into who you are meant to be.

I do not think I wasted 5 years with him even though at the time I thought so. That relationship had been just a roadblock in my life hindering me from my destiny. God had to trouble my heart to deliver me back on the path to where he has constantly wanted me to be. Once I began to follow my heart and started believing in myself again. My life began to change. I started feeling happier from the inside out. There was that light finally shining from within and I do believe it has affected those around me in an admirable way. As I sit here reflecting back at how my life was formerly, I would have managed things a little differently. I would have prevented my heart from things that were unmeant for me. I would have done the right thing by following my heart and not allowing others to influence it. That is how we grow as people and evolve into the life meant for us, though. We decide the unmeant path so, with time we can discover the exact path that we are to take. It takes people a little bit to recognize this or takes something cruel happening to them, to get back on the right path. The path that will steer us to where we are destined to be in life and encourage us to be who we are intended to be. 

I have been single for 4 years now. Every so often it is hard because a person merely wants someone to share their life with. I often get told that I am a person who deserves to be happy with someone because I have so much to give. To be honest, I would rather get my heart and life in order first, before I decide to share it with someone else. I am not the one to settle for less than what I know I deserve now. It took me a very long time to find my worth again, and I will not settle again. I will wait for the right person God has for me. Even if it takes another 4 years because I know he is out there waiting to meet me too. That day will come when God says it is time and I will know it. I encourage all women and men to do the same. You will thank yourself in the end for being patient within the wait and not settling for someone who is unright for you.

I became friends with a lady at the beginning of me experiencing this process. She and I got to talking one day about the situation she was going through at the time. At that moment I was going through a break-up, and she was dealing with something way worse. I told her I felt terrible because my pain appeared minor than others. She informed me to never reflect that because the situations may be different but the pain is still all the same. What she stated has stuck with me to this day, and she is so absolutely right. I want you all to process that a little deeper before judging a hard path someone is walking through in this present time. 

While I conclude my first blog. I encourage each and every one of you who will read this to reflect back in the months, years, and decades before. How much has your life changed since then? What life hardships did you encounter, or life lessons did you learn? What helped you become a better person from then till now? Who or what inspired you? What made you happy? Before we enter a new decade, I challenge you to share your story with someone or me. You never know how much it can help heal another person struggling that will read what you have to say. Give light, love, and hope back into the world. I give you all this testimony because there is someone out there who needs to be encouraged to keep moving forward. There is someone who needs to know they are not alone in this world. 

To my family and friends. Thank you for always being here and never giving up on me. Thank you for helping me move forward. Thank you for not allowing me to give up on myself and my dreams. 

-The Vintage Writer