Healing Through Forgiveness

I was 13 years old when my parents sat my brother and me down to explain to us something they had kept quiet for some time. My parents thought he and I were at the right age to where we would understand. I could tell they both were nervous because they didn't know how we would react. After my mother got finished explaining to us that the father I always knew was not my biological father. I sat there on the couch that night just puzzled and wondered why they waited this long to tell us. I began to remember that my last name had been changed legally in first grade to the last name I use today. The man I call my father had adopted my older sister and I when we were little. He adopted us because my biological father gave his rights up to my mother. My sister was home that night and I had asked her about it. She explained to me that she was five years old when my biological father left us. I was still confused and I didn't know how to feel about it all. This was a lot to take in all at once. Little did I know, this was going to lead me to meet him for the first time. I wasn't sure if I was ready to meet the man who was my biological father.

My sister worked with our cousin in his family during that time. She asked me if I wanted to meet him and our grandparents. At first, I had hesitated then I decided to go with her and our cousin after she had gotten off work. I will be honest, it was the most uncomfortable situation I have ever been in. I just toughed it out that night and went along with it. I felt out of place because I didn't know who these people were. I mean they were my blood but I didn't know them. My sister knew them and she had memories of spending time with his family. I remember being told several times about how much I looked like my mother. I don't think I favored them at all but I quickly figured out where my strawberry blonde hair came from. I am an observer and I watched them closely as we all talked. I just didn't know what to say or even know how to think about this new encounter. I was still trying to process all of this and have a better understanding as to why I was never told. I didn't know why after all this time he decided that he wanted to have anything to do with my sister and me. 

My birthday had come around and my biological father wanted to do something for me. I felt hesitant about it and I intuitively felt like it just wasn't a good idea. I still didn't know him and his wife at the time. I still felt uncomfortable with this situation. My mother told me I didn't have to go if I didn't want too. I knew deep down I would feel bad for not going but I would feel bad towards my parents if I had gone. My mother wasn't going to force me to have any type of relationship with him. I didn't know him regardless, that he is my biological father. There were thousands of things that were running through my mind. He was the one who gave his rights up to my mother. He was the one that left it up to my mother to raise us while he went out to do whatever he pleased. He was never there for my mother, my sister, and I. He was not a father to us at all. I just didn't understand how someone could abandon their children like he had. I didn't understand how he could be a father to his wife's children but he couldn't be a father to us. When I say us, I had learned we had 2 other sisters and a brother who he had abandoned as well. When it came to his wife she was a sweet and caring person. She tried to help him have a relationship with us. It just didn't work with him and she didn't understand. To be honest, he was a coward and it was the guilt built up inside of him after all these years. He knew he was wrong for abandoning us like he did and he couldn't face that truth of his actions at all.  

After I had decided not to go with him for my birthday. He did exactly what I knew he would do- disappear. I never heard from him again. I am sure I probably upset him for not going that day but what did he expect from me? I was turning 14 years old and he was never a part of my life. He didn't even try to be a part of my life. How can a person expect you to accept them back into their life when they were never there? The pain and resentment I felt towards him were real. I know people will ask why I felt this way towards him because there was no attachment at all. Subconsciously, the child within me was hurt. I began to resent the fact my parents kept this piece of information from me all these years. When I truly shouldn't have resented them for my biological father's actions. They were just there to take this pain out on. I was angry and wished they would have never told me. My mother only knew the type of man he truly was so I know she was doing what was best for my sister and I. She was protecting us and wanted to make sure we would have a better life.  For the man that I call my father, he didn't have to choose to adopt us. It takes a man to step up and be that father figure in a child's life that isn't their own. 

My relationships with a guy from 18 to 27 was a painful struggle. I began to choose guys to date that was just like my biological father. At first, they would seem loving and caring but that would change after a few months. They were very deceptive and when our relationship reached a rough patch. The guy would leave and abandon me without an explanation. Later, I would find out what truly happened and I was left feeling worthless. I was never perfect but I tried to be for that person. I just didn't love myself enough to see the repetitive pattern I was choosing to take. The relationships were really a void to fill because I felt like I needed someone to be happy. I felt like I needed someone to feel loved. I had codependency issues that were never healed. I didn't think I could do anything on my own because I didn't have the confidence. My very last long-term relationship woke me up and helped me realize this toxic pattern. I went through a painful situation called the dark knight of the soul after that relationship. If you have ever experienced going through this process, you can agree it is not the easiest thing to go through. The dark knight of the soul is triggered by someone or a situation that brings back up the unhealed past. Even the most beautiful hearts go through this type of soul healing because in order to find your life's purpose you have to heal your past. I needed to put myself first and heal the last 10 years of my life. I had to heal my own toxic and codependency behavior. I didn't need to get into another relationship without healing me first. There were a lot of people that had come in and out of my life that I needed to forgive subconsciously for treating me wrong. I had to forgive myself for not treating them fairly as well. I know I have turned guys down who wanted to date me within the last 4 years. It wouldn't have been fair to them when I was still picking up pieces of 10 years worth of painful situations that I chose to never heal. It wasn't due to I didn't want to give them a chance. I was afraid to let another person into my heart. I really couldn't go through another heartbreak again. I was beginning to realize my worth and my freedom. I wasn't going to settle just for anybody. I knew in my heart God would send that right man for me one day. I needed to focus mostly on healing me.

The hardest experience a person will ever go through in life is learning the true meaning of forgiveness. I have never understood the whole saying "You forgive and forget." I honestly believe people use this saying just to sweep things under the rug but sadly it will always be there to haunt you. The majority of people may say they forgive a person or situation. Have they truly forgotten it though? How can you forgive when you are still holding on subconsciously to a situation that happened in your life? I learned that in order to have a healthy relationship with other people, you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself first. You need to start by forgiving yourself. You need to free your heart from resentment and anger towards these people. No matter if it's with a past romantic relationship, relationship with family, or a past friendship. Start by digging deep within your subconscious mind. Think about situations or people that need forgiveness.  You don't have to go back and begin a new relationship with these people. You have to understand you can't leave things messy and put them away up on a shelf. They will still be on that shelf for a lifetime just staring back at you. It will continue to cause issues for you as the years come. Choosing to not heal through forgiveness will keep you from happiness, love, and your soul's purpose in the future.

It has taken me a very long time to realize that I needed to forgive my parents too for never telling me about my biological father. They were doing what they thought was best by keeping it from me until they were ready to explain. I realized within these 4 years of healing I have always been loved and cared for by my whole family. I know it has been hard for me to show love but I want them to know I do love them. My sister and brother have given me the opportunity to be an aunt to their children. My nephew and nieces have taught me so much about myself. They have given back to me more than they will ever know. They have shown me so much love through their little hearts. I enjoy watching them grow and learn as the years go by. My nephew and nieces have opened my heart back up and taught me what love is. I was always the sibling who would say I was never having children due to the situation with my biological father. I was afraid I would be left to take care of my children on my own. I had illusions of thinking I would never be a good mother one day. I believe God made me an aunt because he wanted to show me that I would be a wonderful mother one day. God knows deep within my soul there is a lot of love to give to another person. After going through the healing process of forgiving. Now I know I am deserving to have this type of happiness in my life. That is if it's in God's plan for me to be a wife and mother one day. I know now why God has kept me waiting for so long. I needed to heal this part of myself.

This is the hardest story I will ever write for my blog. The majority of people won't know this about me until they read my story. I have contemplated writing it because I don't want to upset my family. I just hope they understand that this is the last part of pain deep within me that needs to be released. I have been guided to release it through my writing so I can subconsciously forgive my biological father, past relationships, and past friendships. For so many years, I have been holding on to not forgiving my past properly. It has caused a huge block in my life and I didn't realize this until I went into hermit mode within the last 4 years. I didn't realize how bad it was interfering with my happiness and holding me back from my life purpose. My life purpose is to help others by sharing my light and love. This light and love have always been deep within me. I just had to go through some uncomfortable stages in my life to realize it. I have chosen to live my life with empathy towards people because I have seen the ugly in others. People need someone like this in their life to help remind them of who they are. I know there are people out there who are still learning how to forgive others and heal themselves. It starts with you to end a toxic pattern within yourself and your family. Forgiving is not the easiest path to take in life but it's vital that you do. Just know that I believe that no matter what choices you have taken in life. You are not a failure, you are not defined by those choices and you are an amazingly strong person. Everyone is worthy of a happy and loving life, you just need to believe that you are. Happiness awaits you on the other side once you decide to learn how to subconsciously forgive those and move on.

-The Vintage Writer